Real Health Talk ©
With Craig Stellpflug NDC, Health Coach, Neuro Development Consultant
"It's your health we are talking about!"
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Freedom of speech is pretty wonderful -
It rates right up there with the freedom not to listen...
>Got a good joke? Submit it here<
Making fun of us at church
So, there’s a fast car-ride downhill, all the way to hell on a broad highway, or an arduous climb up the narrow pathway to heaven. Anyhoo, welcome to the baptism…
The bible says the wages of sin are death. But by the time taxes are taken out, it's more like a sort of dragged out tired feeling…
Did you know that Atheism is a non-prophet organization?
Murphy’s Law for Preachers:
Law #1: If the weather is bad, church attendance will be down.
Law #2: If the weather is good, church attendance will be down.
Back when I was a Catholic, I once gave up picking my belly button for lint...
A cat’s view of creation:
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God went to rest, but He had to scoop the litter box first.
One day in the South Pacific, a navy captain saw smoke coming from a hut on an uncharted island.
The shipwreck survivor said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The incredulous captain asked, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the third hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church..."
There is a minister here in Arizona who was lamenting that it was difficult to get a salvation message across to the congregation. He says: "It's so beautiful here in the winter that heaven doesn't interest them. And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them..."
Has the heaviness of your old fashioned church weighted you down? Then try the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt using the Low-Cal method - low Calvin, that is. We are the original home of the 7.5% tithe and we promise 40-minute services, with 10-minute sermons. Next Sunday's exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 3,000. We have only 6 Commandments - AND, you choose which ones apply each week. We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament. Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings. We only take offerings every other week, all major credit cards accepted of course or use our easy payment plan. We are closed the first week of hunting season. Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for. Check us out on Twitter! We are everything you want in a church... and less!
I was in rush hour traffic today - stuck behind a texter at a green light, when I had to wonder; what do atheist's do when stuck behind texters stopped at green lights with bumper stickers that say, “Honk if you love Jesus...”
So Jesus gave St. Peter a break at the pearly gates one day. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and chat before entering to find out more about the man. So Jesus asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Replied the old man. Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
Actually there were four wise men on the way to Bethlehem. One of them said he knew a shortcut...
Is the patron saint of poverty named St. Nickeless? Just asking...
When I was a kid I remember I starred as Noah in a church play. Ah, those memories are flooding back…
A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it.
The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.
Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently,
"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."
I found where Job went to the chiropractor! Job 16:12 "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me..."
Simplest directions to heaven: Turn right and go straight...
Do you know what kind of man Boaz was before he got married? He was Ruth-less...
In the New Testament church it says they were all amazed - And now in our churches everybody wants to be amused. ~ Leonard Ravenhill
Hymns for the Aging:
Precious Lord, Take my Hand (And Help Me Get Up)
It is Well with My Soul (but my back hurts)
Nobody Knows the Trouble I have Seeing
Just a Slower Walk With Thee
Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
Go Tell It on the Mountain (And Speak Up)
Give Me that Old Timers Religion
Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I've forgotten where I parked)
Amazing Grace (Considering My Age)
An old preacher was dying, so he sent for two of the church members, his banker and his lawyer. As they entered his room, the preacher motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed. He then grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. Both the banker and lawyer were touched that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments until the preacher said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
Jealousy is about all the fun you think that someone else is having...
Dear Lord, lead me not into temptation ~ I seem to be able to find it very easily all by myself....
Christmas time is the season when some people are more interested in the present than the past...
Do you want know something that'll make God laugh? Tell him your plans...
I had a friend just ask me what is the best position for prayer; kneeling, sitting, standing or prone? I said that I did my best praying once swinging by one hand from the top of a scaffold…
And God covered the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds. And satan invented McDonald's, and McDonald's brought forth the double-cheeseburger, and satan said to man; "You want fries with that? ", and man said; "Super size them.”
Sunday morning thought: Heck is reserved for those who don't give a dang…
Two angels were up on Cloud #8 talking when one says to the other, "Well yes, I am happy but I could be happier...."
Gospel of Craig chapter 2 verse 3; Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed...
How to make Easter easier - replace the t with i...
I figured out why atheists struggle so much with exponential equations. It's because they don't believe in higher powers...
Little known religious fact: The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless...
Rethinking our thinking... What if we got it all backwards and God is asking us for a sign???
I went to the little boy’s room at church today and on the graffiti chalkboard in the bathroom someone wrote "What Would Jesus Do?" Then someone wrote directly underneath that, "Wash his hands." Then someone else wrote, "And your feet."
I was at our new church last week and an usher asked me where I would like to sit. I said “non-smoking please”. He didn’t laugh… I thought it was pretty funny though!
I wish that opportunity would come disguised as temptation because then one knock would be enough...
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with I John 4:18 "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake from the gospel of John 4:18 "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
A neightheist is someone who doesn’t believe in horses…
Christian Football Church Plays:
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
Links to more funnies:
Laugh About It Archives
See More Laugh About It Archives
What's Another Word For That? Link to word fun
The Town I Grew Up In (with apologies to Paris, TX)
Only in America! Satire on us
Laughter is the Best Medicine Funnies Making fun of medical mania
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