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With Craig Stellpflug NDC, Health Coach, Neuro Development Consultant

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Laugh about it archives

Jokes to make you laugh and give you health!


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                 The thing about quotes on the internet is you cannot confirm their validity. ~ Abraham Lincoln








I just met a psychic Dollar Store manager! Call me whimsical but I bought some of those little whirly-toys that you poke into your lawn to blow in the wind. But overnight one of the blades fell off of one of the whirly-thingies making it lope along instead of spin. Thinking that it was a defective whirly-bobble, I returned to the Dollar Store to exchange it. The manager glanced at it and quickly informed me that they don't exchange whirly-items that have been hit by birds. I didn't know that this is why the .99cent whirly-cheapie-foreign-made-plastic spinner toy had fallen apart in the night. Thank you psychic Dollar Store manager - I had no idea! - Oh, and you can keep the whirly-plaything.

Does anyone else remember the "million monkeys banging on a million typewriters" that would eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare? Well, thanks to the Internet, we now know this is not true...

Available now with 20% fewer letters! Lite: the new way to spell "Light,"...

I seem to have misplaced my mood ring but I'm not quite sure how I feel about that...

If you are what you eat, I've gotta cut way back on the nuts...

I have often pondered this: In the word "scent" is the s silent or the c?

A big shout out to all of you that have ever suffered with hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia. Don't let any of those grammaticasters floccinaucinihilipilificate you!

I'm thinking that driving isn't even in the top of five of things I'm thinking while I'm driving... ~ Sent from my Iphone

Someday I want to have a pet owl and teach it to say "whom". ~ Just saying...

“Traitor Joe’s” for people that just have to cheat on their diets…

I was at Safeway a little while ago and the cashier said, "Strip down facing me". I said, "But I don't even know you!" It took him a minute, but he got finally got it...

OK gang. I just ordered one chicken and one egg on Amazon. Now we wait...

If you ask me what my New Year's Resolution is I'll tell you it is the same as last year and the year before that. It's still 1280x1024.

A recent joint study by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles shows that 23% of MV accidents are alcohol related. Does this mean that people who drink bottled water and Starbucks instead cause three times as many accidents? Something to ponder...

This idiot next to me driving down the interstate is texting and driving... Sent from my iPhone

If I could write the script for my daughter's next phone message it would go like this: “Hi, I'm sorry I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.”

I'm thinking that there oughta be a rule that you can either tan or get your teeth whitened - but not both…

Everybody my age, altogether now: What do we want? HEARING AIDS! And when do we want them? HUH, WHAT?!

You will never have so much fun as saying “prove it!” to a drunk person.

I saw a commercial for Crest Strips yesterday and I must say Ima little disappointed that they only come in white…

The way things are going, the next generations will get to have virtual reality and alien contact while we are stuck with Obamacare and windows 8...

I'm trying to be more nostalgic but it gets harder as I get older and can't remember things...

Anyone who thinks it really doesn’t matter what’s on the inside should take a quick peek in the fridgy…

I'm thinking that I'd like to take a peek at what the people on the laugh track are watching that is so dang funny - cause it obviously isn't the same show I'm watching...

I've come up with a fool-proof, guaranteed weight loss diet: if it tastes good - spit it out!

I just put 60 packets of Pop Rocks in the kitty litter box. Now we wait…

How can I say this best? Exaggeration is like a million times worse than making an understatement.

Does anyone know what you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?

Aren't grandparents the people who think your children are pretty wonderful even though they're convinced you're not raising them right?

Isn't a sweater something a child wears when the mother is cold?

Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?

I'm beginning to think that I 'm not going to be accepted into the optimist club...

I was just alone in the house thinking: When you jerk the shower curtain back real quick to see if there is a murderer lurking in there, what do you do if you find one??

When I was growing up you didn’t wear a watch. Didn’t matter what time it was. You played outside or worked until it was too dark to see...

Yesterday for April Fools, I texted a bunch of my friends and say “Hey, I’ve lost my phone, can you call it for me?” I had at least a dozen calls. I need smarter friends…

Some people have a train of thought. Right now I’ve got a skateboard!!

When you get stuck in a group FB message, the best and actually only way out is unplug from the internet, throw your laptop in the ocean and get a new life…

My wife and I just discussed having another baby but quickly agreed that we didn’t want to spend the next twelve years of our lives asking some little person where their shoes are...

Remind me again; what's our favorite national pastime? Is it baseball or is it worrying about Miley Cyrus’s personal life?

One of my friends on LinkedIn was just endorsed for "Ignoring Glaring Personal Issues!" She's single BTW...

Little known fight trivia: The average fight between men lasts just under 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts about 17 years...

I think the next great Fear Factor series could feature people in their twenties trying to figure out how to have careers…

Home alone weekend: I was just out in the yard with our dog playing "throw a stick and go fetch it yourself"…

Famous quote: "Let’s find the slowest computer processor ever, install it into the gasoline pump and then make people answer a dozen nonsensical questions before they are allowed to pump gas" ~ Pump Engineers...

A girl I know can’t afford to pay her water bill. I just sent her a "Get Well Soon" card….

I’m finding out that turning 53 is mostly about getting super excited over the many different flavors of hummus…

Don'tchya think that Monster Energy Drink bumper stickers are pretty much like eyebrow piercings for your pickup truck…

Just went hiking in the Superstition Mountains. Anyone else going somewhere exciting this weekend to stare at their phone?

Has anyone else out there experienced a huge sense of power surging through your bad self after successfully giving a stranger some directions?

Whew! We’re all still safe as long as our spellchecks don't recognize Kardashian...

I should invent a row machine that actually rows around the gym. What fun would that be?

Nothing says "I'm really not mad at you" like putting in a Facebook Like on somebody’s post…

Hi, my name is Craig, I'm 53 years old and according to statistics, I've swallowed 259 spiders, 47 moths, 3 coyotes, and a grizzly bear in my sleep since the day I was born...

*closes Twitter* *opens up Facebook* *scrolls* *scrolls* *closes Facebook* *opens up twitter*

I’m thinking that when I get my first real dragon we are sooo attacking the Renn Fair…

Did you ever want to comment on somebody’s Facebook picture but didn’t want to to explain why you were looking at their “random party pictures 2011” photo album at 3:20 in the morning?

One time a trophy store really botched my order. I got them back though! I ordered a "Worst Trophy Shop Ever" trophy and then never picked it up…

I've always wondered: To graduate from culinary school are you required to do a dessertation?

Real question: Was Ryan Gosling’s mom named Ryanna Goose?

I just picked out my new gang colors: taupe and beige. Whatdya think?

I got a Mohawk once. Well actually, I was just trying to get my sideburns the same length…

Food for thought: Your socks don’t really need to match but your eyebrows should…

We’ll, we’ll, we’ll, I see that my autocorrect is working just fine so far this year…

“Oh no! What have I created? EVERYBODY DUCK!” Said by boomerang inventor...

Thanks Facebook for giving me a second chance to be cool in high school!

“Let’s sleep in when we shouldn’t sleep in - and lets not sleep in when we should sleep in”. Said by all kids everywhere…

If it smells like a salad, tastes like a salad and even crunches like a salad, but looks like an organic, gluten-free vegan chocolate cookie, it’s an organic gluten-free, vegan chocolate cookie…

If you really love a balloon then set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon...

Yesterday, I was driving through the mall parking lot and I saw this woman, like trying to cast a spell on me. Turns out she was just trying to tell me I left my Grande Refresh Starbuck’s tea on the roof of the car...

OK, how about for the next antidepressant commercial they feature a guy in his skivvies staying home all day on Facebook and none of his furniture matches?

Hey gang, for those of you who received books from me for Christmas, they are due back at the library Monday...

This year I sent out our family Holiday Greeting cards and addressed them personally but added “OR CURRENT RESIDENT” just for grins and giggles…

Does anyone have Santa’s snail-mail addy? I need to forward all of his Christmas credit card bills to him…

Dear kids, There is NO Santa Claus. Those presents are all from your parents who went into credit card debt to buy them. With love, WikiLeaks...

Our car sure looks Christmassy with that reign deer getup! Just for the record, I did my best to swerve and avoid hitting it…

There’s nothing like an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to turn any kid into a Jedi knight with a light saber!

Dear Santa, could you give me a more precise definition of "naughty"?

Christmas is that one day a year that you can eat candy out of your socks and not look too weird…

Due to financial cutbacks in my department, I am giving my kids batteries with a note on a string attached that says “toys not included”…

Woohoo! Only 422 more Adobe updates until Christmas!!

How well I remember the day my parents told me the truth about Santa Claus. Through a flood of tears I got back in my car and drove and drove and drove. Found myself back at the dorms that night...

?? On the twenty second day of Christmas, my true love said to me??? "Boy you sure do take this whole days of Christmas thing waheyhey too serious!"

I just heard a great political argument that ended with everyone deciding that they disagreed but respected each others' opinions. jk! lol...

I'm noticing that in suburbia they tear out the trees and then name the streets after them...

Scary but true: Humans share over 99% of their DNA with circus clowns…

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor - or sing “Old McDonald had a Farm”...

I just spent most of my morning removing some $550 million worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart...

How to estimate the next blockbuster movie sales: When I watch a theater movie preview and say “who the heck is going to watch that crap?” you can count on 100 million people wanting to see that one...

If you've got to spend money to make money then why do I feel like there's some middle step I’m missing?

I'm thinking it is easier to forgive your enemies than try figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page...

I just thought of a great name for a cereal that is bland, tasteless, boring, flat and flavorless: Synonym Toast Crunch…

Have you ever made a mental note and then forgot where you put it?

Sometimes you just have to stop and Instagram the roses...

Ahhh, there’s nothing like experiencing the majesty and wonder of the great outdoors on a really large big-screen television…

“What if our packaging was totally easy to tear open - unless you had a cut finger?" ~ said by Band-Aid makers...

I’m getting pretty doggone tired of that 4.665642 out of 7.431 people that overcomplicate things.

I just totally so screwed up at the self-checkout just now that I had to ask myself if I could see a customer service associate…

Dear naps, I apologize for being so obstinate way back in kindergarten… Can we get back together?

If I were Spiderman, I'd whip out a web hammock right now and take a nap.

Ack! I forgot to bring my return paper bags to Whole Foods and people are throwing things! Customer down! Send help...

"Count your blessings. Then count them again. - Ooops, count them once again for good measure..." Said by OCD optimist...

I’m thinking that truth in advertising would mean that the fake living rooms at IKEA would have a fighting married couple trying to assemble IKEA furniture in them...

Funny thought ~ 10,000 years from now archeologists will be incredibly confused as to why they keep digging up dog poos that are carefully preserved in plastic bags.

Does anyone else out there open the bathroom door at Starbucks like you might find a dead body in there?

If you are in Australia, just how do you ask your friend to pass the Coffee Mate?

Said by me: "Who watches this crap??" *Me, watching crap*

I always thought that eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eyes but I’m finding that 9 outa 10 times there’s anything in my eye it’s a goldurn eyelash...

Just a random thought - but shouldn’t a horse actually be called a “zerocorn”?

Research shows that men think about sex at least once every 15 sex...

I just had a math explosion in my mind when I realized that opinion minus 3.14 equals onion...

The very latest study now suggests that drinking coffee is good for your health after all! No, wait... I think we did “good for your health” last time… OK then, bad for your health this time.

Can vegans play Duck Hunt or is that a no-no too? Just wondering...

Famous last words: “I have no use for this…” *tosses dictionary out of glass square thing which you look through to see outside*

Goodnight laptop! *said out loud while instantly reaching for phone*

I just saw someone sitting by themselves at Starbucks and not looking at a phone. I sure hope they're ok...

We just ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, GMO-free, soy-free, nut-free, low carb, vegan, raw pizza for lunch today. Actually it turns out it was a sliced tomato...

You know you’re over 50 when you have to bring up the Urban Dictionary to decipher a text…

If you can read this you are NOT welcome to join the illiteracy Club...

There is just no other level of satisfaction like when that car zooms by you speeding down the road and you pull up next to them at the very next stoplight… Is that poetic justice or what?

Are you over 30 and single? Well, now there's an app just for you! Oh, wait… My mistake. There’s a cat for you...

Bet you didn’t know that bumblebee 9.46073×10¹² kilometers is Buzz Lightyear's full name!

It just doesn’t seem fair that there were only two to choose from in the presidential election but 50 in the Miss American Pageant. I call a do-over...

If "all the world is a stage", I just happen to know a few people that obviously missed the rehearsal…

By the time someone says “to make a long story short…” It’s already too late.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and then the others who didn’t get this joke…

If at first you don’t succeed, remember back to what your parents tried to tell you and then try again…

I was just accused of "not acting my age". But, I must say in my own defense that I have never been this age before...

Here's the dealio: Read this backwards to see if it makes sense to you too - "Are you as bored as I am?"

There is no “I” in team - but there are three in narcissistic!

*makes note to self* When the wife says she "just set her hair", NEVER ask "When is it set to go off?..."

IMO - Of all the martial arts I've seen practiced, karaoke is the one that inflicts the most pain...

I really freaked some of my neighbors out when I named our WIFI "FBI Surveillance Van". Nobody rides our WIFI now.

I lied about making $4,000 a month from home with less than 2 hrs a day commitment. Join me and so can you!

I once knew a gal that actually won an award for laziness. She asked me if I'd go pick it up for her...

For the concert accordionists out there:
Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Looks like this year's World Coveting Championship contest will come down to who wants it the worst...

I've found that the quickest way to call a family meeting is to unplug the WiFi router and simply wait in the room where it is located...

Ol' Zeek, decided to save up and bought himself a hang-glider. He took it to the highest mountain and after struggling to the top, ran to the edge and jumped off into the wind.
Meanwhile, Ma & Pa Hicks were sitting on the porch swing talking ‘bout the good old days when Ma spotted the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Pa!" she exclaimed.
Paw jumped up,"Git my gun, Ma."
Ma ran into the house and brought out his double-barrel shotgun.
He took aim and BANG...BANG! The monster size bird swerved but continued to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Pa." Ma said.
"Yeah," he replied, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"

Sorry I missed your call. I was too busy jamming to the ringtone!

You are growing in grace when other people notice that you'v stopped correcting all there mistakes...

I told my 14 y/o daughter, “You can always drop out of high school, but always remember two things:
One - You really didn't do your best, but don’t sweat it.
Two - I take my hamburger without the bun and with extra pickles.”

My Happy Hour these days is a nap.

One of my kiddos was whining today about how hard life is for them. I told them I was really tired of hearing the complaints about how bad they've got it. After all, I was the oldest kid of 8 and it was I who was appointed "the garage door opener". In other words, I got out of the car and opened the garage door - every time…

Aww CRUD! I just spent 30 bucks on apples at Whole Foods and just dropped both of them!

After 34 years of voting I finally figured something out. It takes two or more goobers for a Gubernatorial Race. Am I right?

When I was young it seemed I was a whole lot more agreeable. Now I often struggle to not be disagreeable…

I'm thinking that gambling addiction hotlines would get a LOT more calls if every fifth caller was a winner...

Men are always whining because women should come with instructions. When's the last time you saw a man read instructions?...

My auto-correct just changed the word "killed" to "kilt." Well plaid there auto-correct, well plaid...

One time I actually wrapped myself up in bows and called myself gifted...

Every one of us thinks we're all-so-smart, that is, until we try to turn on someone else's shower.

Some things are better left unsaid. I have the darndest time figuring that out before the fact...

Technically speaking, AA got it wrong. From what I learned in chemistry, alcohol IS a solution...

Who needs a psychiatrist when you have all those friends to tell you what's wrong with you for free?

Window shopping at Walmart today, I got this this funny thought that every warning label on personal care appliances and products has a funny if not awesome back-story...

It's Saturday late afternoon and I'm running out of unproductive things to do...

My wife predicts that one day I'll look up from my laptop to realize the kids have put me in a nursing home...

Alas! My bed is the one MaGicaL place where I can always remember everything else I was supposed to do...

There is nothing else like the panic that sets in while trying to press the "End Call" button when you accidentally speed-dial someone...

If I truly followed my dreams, I'd probably be naked and looking for cover in my 5th grade math class right now...

You know those things better left unsaid? That's the first I blurt out every time...

Now I know I'm getting old. I just turned the music down to park the car...

I'm thinking that if it wasn't for dumb luck, some people would just be dumb...

In college I had a cat named ion. My chemistry peeps got that one!

Trouble I with grammar have? Yes... ~ Yoda

Why would it be called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you have to do is stand up and say, "Hi, my name is (______) and I'm an alcoholic?"

OMg! (That's what Oxygen said when she ran into Magnesium)

There is absolutely no limit to what you can accomplish when you're supposed to be doing something else...

Very well I remember college calculus. The course was very thorough and what wasn't covered in class was definitely covered on the final exam...

Links to more funnies:
       See More Laugh About It Archives
             What's Another Word For That?
Link to word fun
                      The Town I Grew Up In (with apologies to Paris, TX)
                               Only in America! Satire on us
                                                 
Church Funnies Making fun of us at church
                                                         
Laughter is the Best Medicine Funnies Making fun of medical mania                                        


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