Real Health Talk ©
With Craig Stellpflug NDC, Health Coach, Neuro Development Consultant

"It's your health we are talking about!"
                                                                                             
                                                                                                                  
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Freedom of speech is pretty wonderful -
                                    It rates right up there with the freedom not to listen...

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Laughter is the best medicine funnies:

Making fun of our medical mania


"I spent YEARS in medical school studying nutrition" said no medical doctor ever...

How to interpret what your doctor says: When they say, "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." They are really saying, "I don't know what heck that is! Maybe it will just go away by itself."

You should have seen it! All the doctors in downtown Scottsdale went on strike against Obamacare today. Pharmacists were called in to read the picket signs…

We had a guy come in to the clinic recently that is sooo anxious that when he is not being anxious he’s anxious about that...

More and more people are coming into the clinic now with costrophobia ~ The fear of rising drug prices...

A patient today told me she broke up with her gym. I said "WHAT? WHY?? She told me they just were not working out...

We had a plus-size patient in the clinic Thursday who claimed he had athletes foot. I glanced at him all twisted up unceremoniously in his hospital gown and without even thinking, I said, "I don't think you have athlete's anything..." good thing he thought that was funny!

I don't go to medical doctors any more. The last one I went to grabbed me by the wallet and said, 'Cough'...

A kidney stone walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?" The kidney stone says, "Nothing, thanks, I'm just passing through."

We had a patient recently that told me he positively wasn't addicted to pain killers - he just really, really liked them a lot...

I once had a guy come into the clinic who had an irrepressible urge to paint himself gold all over. I consulted with my clinic director who said: "Don't worry. It's just a gilt complex."

You know you are getting older when you are being cautioned to slow down by your health care provider instead of the police…

Researchers have recently discovered that a majority of people will believe anything that you tell them researchers have discovered...

One of our patients told me that the secret to their marriage was pure chemistry. She's on Valium and He's on Prozac...

With a big thanks to plastic surgery, anyone can look like a 50 year-old teenager...

This sums up our medical progress for the last 4,000 years:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1600 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1900 AD - "That potion is quackery, swallow this pill."
1945 A.D. -- "That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antiseptic penicillin."
1955 A.D. -- "Oops....germ mutated. Here, take this tetracycline."
2000 AD - 39 more - "oops... more germs mutated"... "Here, take this new generation of more powerful antibiotics, - if you can afford it."
2013 A.D. - "The super-bugs are winning. All drugs are evil! Here, eat this garlic - it's a root."

A patient once told me that she was one of the 2 out of 5 women that did not use birth control. But she quickly added that 5 out of 5 men did not have sex with her either…

A psychotic is someone who thinks that 2 + 2 = 5. A neurotic knows the correct answer is 4, but it worries them…

If Big Pharma could patent air as a cure for hypoxia you'd have to co-pay to breath...

I just read the label on a bottle of aspirin that says: “For headache, take two aspirins and keep away from children”…

Latest medical trivia out Friday: According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10.

I don’t think there is anything scarier than a brain surgeon with hiccups…

A man was recently arrested on drug charges for selling pills he claimed would give eternal youth. Turns out that this was his 4th offense. He had prior convictions in 1928, 1801 and in 1612...

We had a patient once that told me he limped because his right fibula and tibia were radically arched. He asked me what I’d do in a case like this. I told him "I suppose I would limp too..."

Papa. M.R.S.A. was having a serious talk with his young son, M.R.S.A. Junior. He concluded the session by saying: “And remember Junior, always stay away from drugs."

I recently had one of my pregnant mothers describe her first labor in the hospital like “Baring all and squatting to pee on the grass in a public park”...

I call antibiotics "wonder drugs" because any time the doctor wonders what you have, that's what you get...

Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists are the people who collect the rent...

A little old lady tottered into the clinic the other day complaining: “My arm is so weak I can hardly hold a coffee cup, my cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee, I can't tilt my head to drink it because of the arthritis in my neck, my blood pressure pills make me dizzy and I always forget why I went into a room. But thank God that I can still drive!” ...

I put one of our patients on a 30 day diet. She came in for a two-week followup and told me, “I'm still on the diet and so far I've lost 14 days.”

The newest hormone replacement product for women is: E m p t y N e s t r o g e n. It eliminates the melancholies by enhancing the memory. Most specifically in the centers of the brain that store memories of how your children were growing up and how you couldn't wait till they moved out...

The latest antidepressant drug is St. Mom's Wort. It’s a plant extract knock-off that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours...

I asked one of our patients how her diet was going. She said: "Dieting is very hard - today I had cupcakes without sprinkles…"

I was counseling a patient at the clinic the other day who said: "The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again..."

Just for grins I thought I’d take a current neurobiology final exam. I answered them all correctly I know - but I failed the test. It seems the test questions are the same as the ones I answered years ago but the answers have changed…

We had a girl come by the clinic looking for a massage therapy opening. I asked her why she was let go from her last job and she said, "I'm not sure but I think I just rubbed everyone the wrong way"...


How do you like these apples? You wait 6 weeks for an appointment with a specialist only to have them examine you and say: "I wish you'd come to me sooner..."

Isn't it just a wee bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"???

Spotlight on truth: Big Pharma uses scientific data the way a drunkard uses a lamppost: for support rather than illumination.

If it is too dry - add moisture; if it is too moist - add dryness. Congratulations! You are now a dermatologist...

I was coaching a young lady in active labor with her first child. Things were going very well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" The father asked "Hey, what's wrong with my wife?" I said "Nothing. She's just going through contractions."

My job as a nutritionist would be so much better if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon...

Yesterday I went to donate some blood but they had so many questions about where I got it I said forget it.

Ex-Lax: $5            Metamucil: $10           Barium Enema: $100           Colonoscopy: $1000
A healthy bowel movement: Priceless...

If Big Pharma could patent air as a cure for hypoxia you'd have to co-pay to breath...

I just read the label on a bottle of aspirin that says: “For headache, take two aspirins and keep away from children”…

Latest medical trivia out Friday: According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10.

Someone I know confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she now has 6 kids but she doesn't really care…

Lady to a pharmacist: "Why does this prescription medication have 40 different side effects?" The pharmacist replied: "Because that's all we've documented so far."

What I learned from Big Pharma study data charts: Decide what you want to find, draw your curves, then plot the data.

I recently saw a sign at a nurse's station at a hospital: "To be right is only half the battle; to convince the physician is much more difficult."

Did you hear the one about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!

I once tried to lie to an x-ray technician. She saw right through me...

Q: Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to the dentist?  A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Funny ad I saw in a medical journal: New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

If three out of every ten people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the other seven enjoy it?

Headline news circa year 2062 will be ~ 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year...

We had a guy in the IV chair today and I asked "Are you comfortable?" The man shrugged and said, "I make a good living."

Have you heard about the latest new drug that when given to women, it gives them the irresistible urge to join a convent. This drug is definitely habit-forming…

I'm thinking perhaps we need the FDA to stop finding all the bad things we shouldn't eat and focus on a couple of safe things we can eat…

We had a patient the other day with kleptomania. I hesitated to tell him to “take something for it”

We had someone come in to the clinic recently that was addicted to placebos…

We recently had a patient in and the only disease she didn’t list was “hypochondriac”…

We had a podiatrist's office open up near our medical clinic in Old Town Scottsdale. Smack in front there are now signs for parking that read "Toe Zone”.

I called one of our clinic vendors today and the lady said, "How can I direct your call?" I smiled behind the phone and said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to order. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!' - That's a wrap folks..."

A natural death is where you die all by yourself - without the aid of a doctor...

We had a gentleman the other day claiming to be schizophrenic. I asked him why he thought he might be thusly whacked. He answered: "It's a choice of course, schizophrenia beats living all alone"...

We had a patient come in the other day complaining of bad health and loss of balance - but he smelled a bit like gin. I said, "I'm not certain what's going on here, could be the drinking." To which he replied, º  ° "Don't worry about it, I'll come back when you're sober." ° ° °

Maybe it's the Texas accent, but we just signed on a new secretary and I asked her if she had seen my auriscope (a device for looking into the ears). She said "But I don't even know your sign..."

We had a patient in the other day and I mentioned a fitness plan for his health and well-being, to which he deftly replied: "But I’m in the fitness protection program"...

After helping a man to wrestle his insurance company for treatment codes they accept (we are an out-of-network medial clinic) the man gave an exasperated sigh and said: "Dang, my health insurance only pays if I get pregnant..."

I thought our clinic director was hatching some evil plan and walking down the hall rubbing his hands. I expected to hear "mwahahaha" coming next. Turns out he was just using some of that alcohol hand gel that's in every exam room.

If you really want to know what worthless drug your doctor recommends for all your conditions, just watch TV. It'll be a lot cheaper...

If laughter really is the best medicine the Big Pharma will find a way to patent it and charge for it...

Researchers have finally developed a cutting-edge medication that is guaranteed not to make your ailments any worse...

One of these things is not like the other. What's the difference between major depression and extreme gastroenteritis? In the first one the bottom falls out of your world, and in the second one…

Doctor to the patient wisdom: Never, ever contract and suffer from diseases that you cannot afford… This is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means to pay the doctors.

I had someone come in to the clinic this week for a follow-up visit. I asked him if he was still taking the herbs for his memory to which he replied: "What herbs"?

Doctor to the patient wisdom: Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This generates enormous mounds of paperwork and CYA. Dying this way will only cause much needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Doctor to the patient wisdom: Always readily submit to every novel experimental treatment. Though the treatment has absolutely no chance of helping you get better, the resulting research paper will always be of widespread interest...

Doctor to the patient wisdom: NEVER ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is highly presumptuous of anyone to assume that such profound matters of the deep mysteries of the human body could be explained in terms that they could hope to attain the understanding thereof.

Doctor to the patient wisdom: Always remember to try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Keep in mind that your doctor is an intensely trained and highly paid specialist that has a professional reputation to uphold...

How to interpret your last doctor's visit: When your doc says "I'd like to run some more tests." It really means - "I can't figure out what's wrong but maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

How to interpret your last doctor's visit: When your doc says "Let me check your medical history." He is actually going to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

How to interpret your last doctor's visit: When your doc says "Let's keep an eye on this to see how it develops." He is really saying "What the heck is that! Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured with antibiotics."

How to interpret your last doctor's visit: When your doc says "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." He really means that "I'm playing golf this afternoon". Or, "I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit".

How to interpret your last doctor's visit: when your doc says "We have some good news and some bad news..." What he really means is "I'm buying a new wide-body Benz and the bad news is, you're the one paying for it."

How to interpret your last doctor's visit: When your doc says "Let me schedule you for some tests." What he is really saying is "I have forty percent interest in this lab."

How to interpret your last doctor's visit: When your doc says, "This may smart a little." What he really means is that last week two patients almost bit off their tongues with this shot.

How to interpret your last doctor's visit: When he says "If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment next week." He really means, "I've never seen anything so disgusting in all of my life! Thank God I'm off next week..."

How to interpret your last doctor's visit: When your doc says, "There is a lot of that going around." What he really means is, "My golly, that's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this..."

How to interpret your last doctor's visit: When he says, "everything seems to be normal." He really means, "Rats! I guess I won't be buying that beach condo after all..."

How to interpret your last doctor's visit: When he says, "I'd like to prescribe a new drug for you." What he really means is, "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."


Links to more funnies:
           Laugh About It Archives
                      See More Laugh About It Archives
                                    What's Another Word For That?
Link to word fun
                                                  The Town I Grew Up In (with apologies to Paris, TX)
                                                          Only in America! Satire on us
                                                                                      
Church Funnies Making fun of our medical mania

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