Real Health Talk ©
With Craig Stellpflug NDC, Health Coach, Neuro Development Consultant

"It's your health we are talking about!"
                                                                                             
                                                                                                                  
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Links to more funnies:

           What's Another Word For That? Link to word fun
                                        The Town I Grew Up In (with apologies to Paris, TX)
                                                         Only in America! Satire on us
                                                   Church Funnies Making fun of us at church
                                                                
Laughter is the Best Medicine Funnies Making fun of medical mania
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word or two, and unlimited super-powers...

Philosophical thought of the day: If you can't stand the heat, go swimming...

If olive oil comes from squished olives and corn oil comes from squished corn, where does baby oil come from?

Has anyone else ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys? Just asking...

Philosophical thought of the day: Cigarettes are pretty much like cats ~ perfectly harmless unless you put one to your mouth and try to light it on fire...

When I was a teenoid I worked at a donut shoppe making donuts until I got tired of the hole thing....

A bacteria walked up to the bar to order a drink and the bartender said, 'We don't serve bacteria in this place.' The bacteria said, 'Don't worry, I work here - I'm staph!'

We stayed up and watched a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen...

A wise woman once told me to learn from the mistakes of others because you won't live long enough to make all of them yourself..

I just had a deja vu moment talking to my 8 year old... I remember my dad telling me once: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

I remember back in college taking a final exam. I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

Great advice: If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised...

I met a street clown in downtown Bellingham today who said he went to school to become a wit. Apparently he only got halfway through…

I am finding out that it is much easier to get older than it is to get wiser...

I've learned something in the cool Washington nights that I didn't learn in Phoenix: that one good turn gets most of the blankets...

My mama always said: 'double negatives are a no-no'

Alcohol and calculus DO NOT MIX! Never attempt to drink and derive...

Those people who think they know it all reaheheally annoy those of us who do...

A diet is where you have to go to some length to change your width...

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity that's simply impossible to put down...

I just noticed that England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool...

One thing that people need to understand is that - as we get older a lack of pep is often mistaken for patience…

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to program the cell phone, work the computer and set the Blue Ray player.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home...

Is it just me or does the word skeptical look like it is spelled wrong?

We have entered the era of smart phones and stupid people...

Fault Finding is like window washing - all the dirt seems to be on the other side.

Dear Math, Stop asking us to find your X. She's not coming back and don't ask Y either...

Serious question: Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

You know you're growing old when you've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything...

My son had just received his brand new driver’s license. We trooped out to the driveway and climbed in the car, where he is going to take me for a ride for the first time. I immediately got in the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says my beaming boy. "Nope," I said "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

A redneck boy had been working industriously with a stub pencil and a piece of paper. Suddenly he looked up and exclaimed, "Doggoned it Maw, if I ain't done larned me to write." Maw got up and looked at the lines scrawled across the paper. "What does it say" ? "I don't know", the boy replied, "I ain't larned to read yet…"

Has anyone seen my invisibility cloak? I don't remember where I left it...

I watched my daughter eat everything on her plate, saving her Brussels sprouts for last. I asked her why she was doing this and she said…, “I was just trying to delay the inedible.”

Being vague is just as bad as that other thing...

I went to Bookman's bookstore and I asked the saleswoman "Where's the self-help section?" She retorted that if she told me, it would defeat the whole purpose...

You know you're growing old when... .. wait, what was I saying??

I asked a friend of mine about a locket she wears around her neck. She said: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair." I said: "But your husband is still alive." She said: "I know, but his hair is gone..."

I never grew up; I just learned how to act in public…

After a lengthy study, scientists from Argentina discovered that anyone with insufficient brain activity reads Facebook posts with one hand on the mouse… Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late. :-D

And always remember: If you are knee-deep in a conversation and your mind suddenly goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound...

In case you peeps want to know what really makes me smile, it's face muscles!

They don't pay taxes, they barely speak English and they want our jobs - something must be done about teenagers…

An idle mind is the best way to relax....

We have one dog and one cat and I've noticed that dogs have owners. Cats have staff...

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

I’ve come to the conclusion that if the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the farm that the water bill is higher too...

Looks like the days of good grammar is done gone...

I don’t like to brag very much, but I'm pretty confiedent I could so win a spelling comtest.

If you think my puns are getting bad - just wait 'til they're full groan...

A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with. And a conjunction is a bad thing to begin a sentence with... Just saying...

We just received a notice that our electricity bill is going up by 3% per annum. All this time I thought I was paying through the nose…

I may not be funny every time but at least parts of me are humerus...

Q: How do you tickle a rich girl?       ~          A: Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

Safely remove my USB?? Life is too short to remove my USB safely...

I was grooving along nice and smooth, taking one day at a time, when I was suddenly attacked by several days all at once!

I just found out that the first rule of Thesaurus Club is: don't converse or talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about the Thesaurus Club...

I often ponder the deep things in life, like when math teachers die do they disintegrate?

In line at the bank today I came to the conclusion that old hippies never die, they just smell that way...

A nightclub just opened in Queen Creek AZ and is offering all you can drink all night for just under $20. Tonight we’re gonna party like its 19.99!

I just looked in the mirror and instead of crow's feet, I've got punchlines...

In front of me in the grocery line at Albertson's: A man with an unbuttoned disco shirt and a heart monitor… Two things that do NOT go together!

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time and I'm trying to remember if I've forgotten this before.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of friendly advice from folks who didn’t succeed either...

A magician can pull a rabbit out of a hat - but an experimental psychologist can pull a habit out of a rat.

After a lot of reflection, I am still tossed on this question: During Lent, do cannibals only eat fishermen on Fridays?

Two cows are grazing in a field. One says, “Aren't you worried about mad cow disease?” The other replies, “Not me, I'm a squirrel."

We just had a Shepherd's pie for lunch, he's really not happy about it either...

I really think crop circles are the work of a cereal killer…

Hey, hey, hey! A little nugget here. How to back the stress truck up: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS!

A simile is like a metaphor that doesn't believe in itself. A metaphor is a simile that takes itself too seriously.

I might be 51 years old now but in reality that translates to only about 10 ½ Celsius…

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...

I just got back from my positive thinking class. Not many there, in fact it was half empty...

I might just have to get over my aversion to genetically modified food and try a leg of salmon…

Having an active eight year old boy is like having a blender running that you don't have a top for...

I called my lawyer and said, "Can I ask you a couple of questions?" He said, "What’s the second question?"

Using science, I just disproved the ancient 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' thing.

My bank has a feature that lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. I just tried it and like it a lot but I didn't think the LOL was necessary..

You know, if it wasn’t for Thomas Edison we'd be watching television by candlelight.

I’m thinking that the worst time to have a heart attack has to be during a game of charades…

I don’t think we'll ever run out of math teachers because they sure know how to multiply…

I've been thinking about R2D2. Was he that foul mouthed that they beeped out every word he said?

I wonder what my children will tell their children they had to “do without"?

I intend to live forever - so far so good...

FYI: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.

I just informed my kids that I was thinking about running away and joining a different circus! (they were not amused...)

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

Best advice of the day: Strike while the bug is close...

Just how does a fool and his money get together in the first place?

I've been thinking about how some people picket. I am actually very much against picketing, but don't know how to demonstrate against it....

Once upon a time I ate one anchovy, that is exactly why I never did eat two anchovies...

Wowser! I just found out that in the long-run there is a whole nother series of short-runs...

A chemist walks into Walgreens and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it, I can never remember that word."

I was looking at the cheap wines in Walmart and I came to the conclusion they should come out with their own brand of wine. They can call it “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!”

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Others just rinse and spit...

I must be a grown adult now. I started taking Bert's side over Ernie's...

I remember back in the day, my physics course that was so hard I couldn't even find the classroom...

Q: What did one DNA say to the other? - - - A: Do these genes make my butt look fat?

At the Renn Festival today I met a guy who said his name was "six and seven eighths". I told him I thought that was a very unusual name to which he replied: "Oh that's the name my folks pulled out of a hat..."

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?  -  -  - A: Breathe, BREATHE!

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said “HONK if you do everything you’re told”

Middle age is when you start choosing your cereal for the fiber content and not the toy...

I hear that some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have tried and never been able to make out the numbers...

AIBOHPHOBIA: (n.) the fear of palindromes

A woman told her husband, "I just dreamed last night that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".

Eggomania is what happens when people have an unhealthy obsession over frozen waffles…

Why did the chicken cross the road?  Gilligan’s answer: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail, the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost!

One of my kids just said I am "over the hill". Over the hill? I don’t even remember reaching the top...

I took my son shopping for some camouflage pants today but dogged if we could find any…

Just what is a mecium anyhow? And how do you get a pair of them in the first place? If you only get one, is it an unamecium or a monomecium?

If the plural of one goose is two geese, wouldn't the plural of one moose two meese? Or if the plural of tooth is teeth, how come the plural of booth isn't beeth?

Of all things, I just found a Piñata Store! There was big sign on the front door: You buy it, You break it

Henry Chancy the creator of the S.A.T. tests died this morning at the age of 97. He died when his eastbound car, which was going 10 miles per hour and weighed 1800 lbs, left Chicago at 6 am and collided with a northbound train that was going 60 miles per hour and weighed 294 metric tons which left Gary IN at 4:30 am. Investigators are still calculating the exact location of that intersection...

I just hung up talking to someone who was complaining that there is way too much sex and violence on his DVD...

With the price of gas these days NEVER buy a car you can't push…

How come it is that at work we yack about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we want to talk about work?

Q: What does the zero say to the eight?                A: Hey, nice belt!

I was so disappointed at the general store today, they wouldn't let me buy anything specific...

For every action, there's an opposite social media overreaction...

I had a nightmare last night that I had insomnia...

Hey! How come I see a carrot at the end of my tunnel???

And now for today's subliminal thought ...

I support the metric system every inch of the way!...

I just read that The Collective Noun Symposium recently had a conjunction of grammarians...

I’m right 98% of the time. And no one seems to care about the other 3%...

Carrazy world! In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...

If lawyers can be disbarred, and clergymen defrocked, can electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed, decreased, and eventually become depleted? Can bed makers be debunked, baseball players debased, landscapers deflowered, software engineers detested and underwear manufacturers debriefed?

We were at Starbucks yesterday and someone left their cell phone on a table. I scrolled through the saved numbers and found one that said "Mom". I called the number and told her what happened. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it." A few seconds later, the cell phone rang. It was the mom. "Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at Starbucks again…"

If you say "gullible" really, really slow it sounds just like you are saying "orangutan."

Reality is for those who don't know how to program holodecks...

It was a cold morning on the way from Cordes Junction to Prescott today to get tires on our cargo trailer when I saw a sign that said "Ice 1/2 mile." I practically crept that half-mile on the lookout for ice, black ice, log-jams, train wrecks or other trouble. Then we came to a sign that was outside a small grocery store, and it read, "Ice 75 cents…" I felt kinda silly...

Why don't we ever see this headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery!" ???

It takes a smart person to only believe half of what they hear. It takes a wise person to know which half...

How can the world end in 2012 when I have yogurt that expires in 2013?

I have often wondered why there's only one Monopolies Commission?

According to a massive recent survey, 33 people say they participate in surveys…

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class...."

Last year I made a resolution I'm able to keep - that was to never again make another New Year's resolution...

Got a math problem you can't solve? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x

I've thought this through very carefully and I think my new-year’s resolution should be 1024 X 768

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Philosophical thought of the day: Even the greatest of musical composers will eventually decompose…

Wisdom should come with age but sometimes age just shows up all by itself...

Some of the smartest mammals in the world are dolphins! Did you know that within two days of captivity a dolphin can train any human being to stand at the water’s edge and throw fish to them?

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad...

"I see you're admiring my striped vest," said absolutely no one - ever...

Best advice of the day: Don't get your knickers in a knot because it solves nothing and makes you walk funny ta-boot...

If you jog in a jogging suit, run with running shoes, lounge in lounge wear and smoke in a smoking jacket, what do you do in a windbreaker?

I was just thinking, "wouldn't it be cool if your car could travel at the speed of light?" But then I realized... what would you use for headlights?

I can still remember that Paul McCartney song like it was Yesterday...

I've been thinking long and hard and have to the conclusion that - without geometry life is pointless...

Quantum mechanics: The dreams that stuff is made of...

I am beginning to wonder if you can actually buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop… (rhetorical question)...

I just happen to know a night watchman that has never worked a day in his life…

The latest official Senior Texting Codes just came out: ATD: At The Doctor's BFF: Best Friend Fainted BTW: Bring The Wheelchair CBM: Covered By Medicare CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center DWI: Driving While Incontinent FWIW: Forgot Where I Was FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low! IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On? LMDO: Laughing, My Dentures Out OMMR: On My Massage Recliner OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas ROTFL - CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing - Can't Get Up SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop IFAICGU-CUPMU : I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up - Can You Pick Me Up? WAITT: Who Am I Talking To? TLCP: Talk Louder Caps Please YAST: You Already Said That

You know you're getting old when you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you...

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination...

We have four seasons here in Phoenix: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Philosophical thought of the day: If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace...

I just went to my first Camouflage Training Meetup:  No one else turned up... Oh wait a minute...

I don't suppose that any of you remember Sir Port? - He was always a great help to all the other knights...

Sir Prise could always be relied on to do the unexpected!

And wasn't it Sir Cuitous who who approached his duties in a roundabout way?

Philosophical thought of the day: Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom...

Something I've wondered about for a long-long time: Why do our noses run but our feet smell???

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

I swipe one ear of corn from my neighbor’s garden and now I'm accused of stalking…

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first spaceman says,
"The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them aimed at themselves."


I have noticed that the people who are late are so much happier than the people who have to wait for them to show up.

Philosophical thought of the day: The squeaky wheel gets annoying...

I like cottage cheese but I can't seem to find other dwelling cheeses, like studio apartment cheese, tent cheese. mobile home cheese.

Does anyone else get those address labels in the mail from charities asking for donation? I am always getting them but today I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny thing though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

I called the local funeral home to ask why the cost of dying is getting so dang high. They blamed it on the cost of living…

Two arthropds were munching on garbage in a chocolate factory dumpster.
"I was in that new factory across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other arthropod while frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Average cost per fish: $8.97 Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot and stand waist-deep in cold water so he can try to “outsmart” a fish. Average cost per fish: $395.68

It's really very dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock.

Q: Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
A: It had trouble controlling its impulses.

I am finding that as I get older, either it is getting easier to be positive or I just care less about what other people think. Not sure which it is...

Never, ever fry bacon in the nude…

Does sitting up to hit the snooze button count as one sit-up? I can do a whole bunch of those

Prepositions are not things to end sentences with

I am now prescribing vitamin “E” for “Exercise” in a 100 count bottle. No, you don’t swallow them silly, you dump them on the floor and bend over to pick them up one by one every morning...

How come a “double dip” recession sounds delicious right now?

Whadaya mean I have personality flaws?? Without them I might not have a personality at all...

Find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition...

Life is becoming so complex that not even teenagers have all the answers anymore...

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys; but if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!!

Procrastination always gives me something to look forward to…

The worst thing about getting hit in the face with Pi is it never ends...

Q: What does D.N.A. stand for? A: National Dyslexic Association.

You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your dad…

Did you hear about the dyslexic paranoid? He always thought he was following someone…

How many dyslexics does it take to light a change bulb?

If life is handing you melons, you just might be dyslexic...

Children never misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said...

The difference between an expert and a novice is that the novice hesitates before doing anything stupid...

Before the invention of the drawing boards, what did they go back to?

A sharp tongue does not equate to a keen mind...

If you see the Apple Store being robbed, does that make you an i-witness?

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly...

Do deadlines make some kind of whooshing sound as they go flying by?

My seven year old son just asked me what a colon was and I explained that it was a part of the body that food goes through before being eliminated. Then he asked me what a semicolon was…

In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back... ~ Charlie Brown

Everyone is born with a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film...

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused...

I was trying to find the local Origami Society but I just heard that they folded..

One of my daughters said I'm getting old - so I squashed her toes with my rocker... Guess I showed her!

Washington mosquito, AKA Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

You know, everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Just saying...

Final answer: I plead contemporary insanity...

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist. Just saying...

Philosophical thought of the day: We’ll know we’ve hit bottom when everyone is so bad off that no-one can be worse off without someone else getting better off...

I saw a truck load of Roget's Thesaurus spilled all over the interstate this morning. I was completely shaken, stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback and stupefied.…

Question of the day: Would a part-time band leader be a semi-conductor?

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web

Whoa! How funny is this? Instead of crow's feet, I've got punchlines...

I don’t care if you are in the tough state of Alaska… Losing a hand in poker seems like a pretty steep price to pay for a card game. - Just saying

I just watched two silk worms having a race. They ended up in a tie...

This morning in Anchorage I asked a native Alaskan “have you lived in this state all of your life”? She answered “not yet”…


                         Links to more funnies:

                  What's Another Word For That? Link to word fun
                         The Town I Grew Up In (with apologies to Paris, TX)
                                   Only in America! Satire on us
                                                      
Church Funnies Making fun of us at church
                                             Laughter is the Best Medicine Funnies Making fun of medical mania

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Jokes about just about everything



I'm finding that the phrase "Don't take this the wrong way" has about a 0% success rate...

In chemistry, if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate...

Q: What do you call a bunch of brainiacs that form a high school singing group?
A: The glia club.

Oxymoron: Moronium oxide. Chemical formula: MoO. The very existence of Oxymoron contradicts itself as moronium usually does. Oxygen only amplifies moronium’s effects

Ah is the element of surprise! (chemically speaking)

I met one of my best friends in college chemistry class. We immediately formed an ironic bond.

My wife texted to ask if I'd stop by the store on my way home.
I replied "potassium".
She replied "??".
I replied "the periodic symbol for potassium is K".
She replied "NERD"

Does anyone know if running late counts as exercise?

Two alley rats were munching garbage one day. One rat said to the other rat: “Have you seen that new restaurant across the street?” The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming. It’s so sanitary and bacteria free, the whole place shines.” “Please,” said the other rat with a frown, “not while I’m eating!”

So, if you went to the lab and took a benzene ring and replaced the carbon atoms with iron atoms, could it now be called a ferrous wheel??

I finally figured something very important out! Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics...

Written in the Swiss Army regulations: Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, an awl, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight...

When one door closes and at the same time another one opens, it's definitely time to get that cabinet fixed...

I’ve taken the lesson from the whole Mayan calendar thing that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world!

Google: “I know everything”
Facebook: “I know everyone”
Internet: “Without me, you two are nothing!”
Electricity: “Keep talking fools”

Alas, I remember the days-gone-by when I knew more than my phone…

These days, all the intelligent people are full of doubt and all the stupid people have the confidence...

I've reached the point where I have way too much business and not enough monkey...

Has any one else noticed how the local grocery store uses four checkouts. That is, unless it's really busy - then they use just one...

When a vegan goes missing do they put their picture on an almond milk carton?

Common sense is so rare these days, methinks it should be classified as a superpower...

Someone asked me today if I could be any person, living or dead, who would I be. I said I’d definitely be a living person...

A wise man once said nothing...

I've always wondered; if ignorance truly is bliss, then why are there so many unhappy people out there?

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that's the question I ask of thee.... ....or is it?

If you notice a person is deceiving you, they must not be doing a very good job of it...

I am finding that my occasional bouts with a lack of common sense highly enhances my other senses...

I just ran into my old college English professor. He said, "Goode to see ye!"

Wouldn't it be nice if you could hit the refresh button and actually feel refreshed?

Whoever snuck the "s" into Fast Food ...well played!

There is no right way to do the wrong thing. But I sure know a lot of great shortcuts!

My apathy today is at an all-time whatever...

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse all the way from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry…

Beer drinking trivia: The national anthem is actually set to the tune of an old English drinking song called To Anacreon in Heaven.

I asked my 9 y/o how many states he could name and he came up with about 45. I told my son that in my day I could name all of them PLUS their capitols. Well, the boy was quick to retort: Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states...

I know a guy who thinks that the last words of “The Star-Spangled Banner” are “Play ball”.

What do pessimists do when they meet? Shake hands? Nah, they shake heads...

¦ ¦¦¦¦ ¦¦¦¦ ¦¦¦ ¦¦ ¦¦¦¦. This joke has been found in violation of H.R. 3261, S.O.P.A and has been removed...

Lately, I'm wondering how bad four years without a president at all would be...

Why does it seem that my wild oats are somehow evolving into prunes?

What a fine kettle of fish... I'm finally holding all the cards and now everyone wants to play chess?

I witnessed an optimist and pessimist arguing over the proverbial glass of water - so I walked up, said "Hi, I'm an opportunist", drank it and walked away. Boy were they both mad!

My 9 y/o is reading a book where the conflict is one person condescending and the other patronizing. I just told him that the difference between patronizing and condescending was nothing to worry his silly little self about.

Hmmmm... The latest Kelly Blue Book search says the easiest way to triple the value of my old motor home is to fill it with gas...

Sometimes my brain is like the Bermuda Triangle. Things go in, never to be seen again.

There I was, living life in the fast lane... with a stream of cars behind me, horns honking... flags flying...

A friend of mine ducked into the drive-through lane of McDonald's the other day and I chuckled to myself as I realized that fast food restaurants really shouldn't have a value meal called the "number 2"...

I've always wondered - why limit happy to just an hour?

Don't you just hate it when your wife asks you to hold her purse - but it doesn't match what you're wearing??

I don't think that fire hazards are ever a good thing - except maybe in extreme golf. Now I'd watch that show!

It is my professional opinion that socks actually have the highest divorce rate of all...

Sometimes, having a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side...

When I was younger I used to be very bold. Now my kids are saying I lost my b...

Who said: "I'm having trouble finding myself." ~ Waldo in therapy.

Now that Obamacare pays for the cost of contraceptives, I wonder if they'll foot the bill for dinner and a movie too?

OK, now I've got to teach my grandbabies why it is "I" before "E" except after the "Old MacDonald had a farm" song...

People would accomplish a lot more if they dropped their "if's", "and's" and got off their "butts"...

Now that the dust has cleared, does anyone know who won Mafia Wars?

Does anyone else remember when movies had plots and video games didn't?

I never fail! (But I sure do find a lot of things that will never work...)

I'm in a very interesting place in life where I get to tell my kids that I'm older than the internet...

Some people learn by observing, others learn by reading. Then, there's the rest of us who have to reach out and touch the fire to see if it's hot...

Awww man! I just ran out of gas on the road less traveled...

Lately, lying about my age is much easier now that I sometimes forget what it is...

Don't you just wish that some people had a brightness setting?

My mom used to always say; "Let a smile be your umbrella." You know what I call people who let a smile be their umbrella? Wet. That's what they are - wet

If it is really the "Discovery Channel" then it should be on a different time and channel every day...

I've always said "To err is hunam"...

I really do want my children to be strong, independent, headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them…

Well folks, it looks like my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working either...

A budget is merely a record of where your money should have been spent.

Ironically, 9 out of 10 doctors agree the leading cause of muffin tops is in fact muffins...

A fool and his money never seem to be around when you need them...

I do believe that if cats had wings, they’d still just lay there...

I'll be posting jokes telepathically for the rest of today. Whenever you think of something funny - that was me… ;-)

Has anyone else noticed at the movies how a man will not shirk pain while taking the most ferocious beating or walking on glass or being shot and stabbed but will whine and wince when a woman tries to clean the wounds?

Have you heard about the new ninja diet? Seems it involves stealthing away whatever you want to eat and never getting caught.

I did some in-depth research and found out that apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin out there...

I've always said that you can lead a man to water, but you can't make him fish...

LOCAL NEWS: A man avoided car accident while not tweeting and driving...

I'm trying to decide which pants to wear today - smarty or fancy?

If aliens ever land on Earth and demand that I take them to our leader I am so taking them straight to Lady GaGa...
Let 'em sort that one out!

I found out that any food can be a superfood - if you just put a little cape on it...

For you single guys out there, a piece of dating advice: Never judge a good looking woman on Facebook by his avatar...

If we really wanted to slow down North Korea's nuclear program we could introduce them to Angry Birds...

To err is human, to arr is definitely so pirate...

I say that you should always face your problems and not run from them. That is, unless your problem is, like, you're being chased by a bear...

To all you guys out there with a profile picture that is a car - I have no choice but to assume that you are a transformer.

Whenever I see 'ROFL' I imagine Scooby-Doo trying to say 'waffle'....

The barkeep says "I'm sorry but we don't serve time travelers here"... A time traveler walks into a bar...

How can a 747 jet carry a space shuttlecraft on its roof and yet they charge for your extra luggage?

These days, guys are looking for the perfect girl. That's Playboy's fault. But girls are waiting for the perfect prince. That my friend is Disney's fault.

CAUTION: Reading the entire medication warning may cause drowsiness, fits of rage, outbursts of "BLECK" or even seizures…

If athletes can't use steroids, why is it legal for models to use Photoshop?

As a child I was scared of the dark. Now I'm just afraid of my electricity bill...

Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank he can rob the world...

How come all of the 'intelligent life finding instruments' are pointed away from earth???

Drinking and drugs will not solve all your problems. That's what chocolate's for.

My gas tank just went from zero to 50 bucks in under one minute!

Oh, I'm still playing with a full deck. I just shuffle a little slower these days...

I ‘waxed’ myself down there this morning. Boy do my socks slide on easy now!

I've noticed that sunrises are just as beautiful as sunsets - only a lot less crowded...

Once again that stupid autocorrect has me posting something I didn’t Nintendo…

The three words I dreaded most in math class were "Pop Quiz"...

I was just watching our dog chase her tail and I was thinking - how easily amused dogs are! But then I thought another thought - HEY! I’m being amused watching it…

I think we should stop focusing on Goldilocks and examine why Mama and Papa Bear have separate beds...

I just read that 63% of all Pitbull attacks occur somewhere between tying the bandana around its neck and putting the sunglasses on its face…

Beware of half-truths. You just might get the wrong half...

Some people update their status from their iPhone just so you think they actually left the house and went somewhere. You know who you are! - Sent from my iPhone

Did you know that your heart is like rock-n-roll? - Without a steady beat, it's nothing...

Has anyone else noticed how conveniently three 20-minute powernaps fit into just one hour? Koinkidink? I think not…

I think Facebook is like ancient Egypt. People write on walls and worship cats…

My best advice ever: Avoid all epidemics like the plague…

You know you are “webbed out” When your best friend is someone you've never met...

So, what do butterflies in love feel in their stomach? Do they feel people?

I saw a gym advertisement today that said: “Why be fat and ugly? Just be ugly…”

So, why does Facebook bother to let me “like” my own comments? Of course I like my own comments…

Autocorrect can just kiss my ask..!!

A bore is someone who insists upon talking about their self when what you want to talk about is yourself…

When you think about how stupid the average person is - you gotta realize that half of them are stupider than that!

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and "I'm the Class of 2013, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me." The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1989."

You know, I don't think pandas would be endangered if we would quit making them into soccer balls...

So, would a short joke about cocaine be called a one-liner?

I wonder why we always believe the 'Unnamed Source', but never trust the 'Official Spokesman'...

I just told my kids that Oxymoron is the stain-fighting stupid superhero. I don’t think they believe me…

I always do the best job of proofreading my own stuff just after I push the “Post” button…

What do you call an Easter Bunny with fleas?
Bugs Bunny...

What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing ya...

Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end...

Just a thought, but - How can you tell when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

I just found out there is a show called “When Animals Attack”. Personally I think it should be called “When Idiots Try to Play with Dangerous Animals”...

Has anyone else ever tried walking into Sea World with a fishing pole? Ya, doesn’t work out too well…

What did one deadhead say to the other when he ran out of weed?
"Hey man, this music sucks!"

I just came to the sudden realization that my body is growing older without me…

Why did the lawyer chicken cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side...

What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in an hour?  ~ The letter "M"

I’m guessing that the one time in life that you don’t want to give an all-out 100% is when donating blood…

Does a person who uses incantations need a spell-checker??

Why are frogs so doggone happy? Because they can eat whatever is bugging them!

Did you know that an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard is the space bar? You do now...

Never trust atoms. They make up everything!

Old professor's never die. They just lose their faculties...

Confucious say: He who get too big for britches will be exposed in the end...

Lurking on Facebook is like opening the fridge every other few minutes to see if there is something good that magically appeared there…

My daughter told me she is afraid of spiders. I told her that seeing a spider is not anything to worry about. When the spider suddenly disappears, then you can worry. She didn’t seem a bit comforted…

I just read about a new word processor for lawyers. Regardless of what font you select, everything come out in fine print...

CONGRATULATIONS! You, my friend have just won a free lifetime supply of air. That's right, air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, ~ ‘my whole dang bathroom floor is wet’.

Aw man, I got in a wreck with a smart car in the Starbucks parking lot today, it was totaled but my bicycle is fine...

The only time that laughter is NOT the best medicine is when you have diarrhea…

Does anyone else have that one dang light switch in the house that they don’t know what it goes to??

A while ago I had this uncontrollable feeling to get up and do something. So I sat here very still until the feeling passed…

My wife asked me why all my passwords were some combination with the word “women”. I told her it’s because NO ONE can figure them out…

I remember the day when someone teed you of you punched them. Nowadays you just delete them from your Facebook. That’ll show 'em!!

My wife was just telling me: "I stare at the sky, all I see is you. I look out into the ocean, all I see you. Even when I'm looking at the moon, all I see you." I told her that was so sweet of her to say that and she pushed me and said: "All right already, now would you move over so I can see something??"

I’ve reached life's “golden age”. That is where the kids still at home are old enough to not need a baby-sitter and too young yet to borrow the car.

Don't go broke keeping up with the Joneses... Act your wage!

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react...

I had a lady just ask me if she should have a baby after 35? I said “No Way! 35 is enough children"...

Old cashiers never die, they just check out...

You should always be kind to your dentist... He has fillings, too!

I know a guy that I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for pretzels, he'd be on a liquid diet...

I am finding that failure is not an option anymore. It now automatically comes bundled with the software...

The Indians got here first because they had reservations...

I’m sadly convinced that the next generation isn't going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make…

Now there is a new magazine out that combines religion and porn. It’s called “repenthouse”...

This is an actual book that I am so not doing: "Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself"

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance...

Do you know why it takes a million sperm to fertilize one egg? It’s a man thing. They won't stop to ask directions...

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue ~ Anonymous

Old actors never die, they just drop apart...

Exhaustipated: /ig'zôst??patid/ Adjective - Drained of one's physical or mental resources to the point where you don't give a crap; very tired of this crap.

I know a guy who was soooo fat that his belly button didn’t have lint. It had sweaters...

Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has never dropped a 30lb pumpkin on their foot...

You should know that you are definitely in trouble when all your plans start with “when I get rich”…

I told my 21 y/o that she couldn’t stay on line forever. She replied: “Challenge accepted!”

You gotta admit, the absolute worse time to suffer a heart attack would have to be during a game of Charades…

Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away...

I spelled a word so wrong just now that my auto-correct said: “??? - I got nothing, man.”

Brain fact: The human brain is a most amazing organ, functioning 7 X 24 hours a day, every day of your life, from birth until the very day you fall in love...

When it comes to jokes about graphic designers, that’s where I draw the line…

Newsflash: Famous cartoonist found dead in home - details are sketchy...

I was standing around at Albertson's waiting for my wife to come to come to the checkout when a manager walked by and said: "Can I help you find something?" I looked startled and whispered at him: "You can see me???" He shook his head and walked away...

I know a guy who is sooo lazy that he gets excited about cancelled plans…

Is it really a hot flash or just a temperature tantrum?

You know that food scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food when your hot dog fetches its own ketchup and relish…

You know that food scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food when you can buy a leg of salmon at the fish market...

You know that food scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food when you can spot signs of a primitive central nervous system in Jell-O...

You know that food scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food when the black-eyed peas on your fork wink at you...

Did you know that forgiving your enemies really annoys them?

Mom: You do nothing all day
Teenoid child: I convert oxygen to carbon dioxide, I regenerate cells, I transmit nerve signals to my brain, I digest food. How is that nothing???

I know that money can't buy you happiness, but I’ve found out it can buy ice cream!

Years ago I wore a watch but lost it. Since then I was going to look for it but haven't found the time...

One of our patients is a truck driver who thinks that bacteria is the rear entrance to the restaurant…

I used to have a horrible fear of hurdles until I got over it...

Breaking News: A man suing American Airlines for lost luggage has lost his case…

The true value of Facebook - estimated net worth is $96 billion. That's the amount of money businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook...

I'll never forget the words of my flight instructor years ago when I took flight lessons: "Fuel up every time. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire..."

Deja Vu: When Mark Zuckerberg got married recently he annoyed everyone by changing the seating layout at the last minute for no reason at all...

More sad news for the music industry: Justin Bieber was found alive and well at his LA home today…

Breaking News: World famous health guru found dead. Police are calling it herbicide...

I was at Kinko's watching this girl paperclip stacks of papers two sheets at a time. I asked her "why not use a stapler?" She thought about it a few long seconds and said "commitment issues..."

If I ever have to have brain surgery, I’m so getting the surgeon to remove that Barry Manilow Copacabana song that has been stuck in my head all these years...

Methinks I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap…

I sure do miss those days when I used to be nostalgic!

Breaking News: Willie Nelson run down by a car. Turns out he was playing "On the Road Again"...

"I've got some good gnus and I've got some bad gnus", quoth the gnu salesman.

I've often wondered: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Oh, I ask of me, to vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?

I was just thinking about how outdated the game of Monopoly is. There's a luxury tax and even rich people can go to jail!

And that's how the fight started: Did you hear the one about the mortician who got into severe trouble with his wife? Seems he didn't like the leftovers at supper and called them "remains"...

Last night I dreamed that I was a muffler on a motorcycle going everywhere around Phoenix. When I woke up I was totally exhausted!

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are held in scorn by educated people who blow car horns to break up traffic jams… (I was thinking about this today on my way home in Phoenix traffic)

I got the sudden feeling like doing nothing else for the rest of the day. I think my procrastinate is enlarged...

Philosophical thought of the day: Shouting at your children to make them obey is like using the horn to steer your car - you get the same results too...

MOSES' MOTHER: "That's a good story Mose! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've just received a bill for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you just paint on the walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

I was trying to think of a good everyday example of optimism. Then I looked at my pencil. It is seven inches long, and only has a quarter-inch long eraser...

If one pretends to be asleep, you could rightfully call them a bulldozer.

I'm thinking, if history repeats itself then I really want a pet dinosaur...

Who knew that I had pteronophobia all this time!

Is cow tipping some obscure form of lactose intolerance?

From the I want to know why department: If we're not supposed to be eating midnight snacks, then why did someone put a light in the fridgie?

I see people going to see the same movie again and again. I think there is a new movie out that is Hobbit-forming...

Breaking News Story: There was an explosion at local Cheese factory last night. Nothing left but de Brie...

Another thing I've learned as a professional writer is to try to avoid clichés like the plague...

When I was in Rhode Island few years ago, I thought khakis were clothing. I soon found out that, up there, if you lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

I was telling my wife about a dream I had last night where I was writing another script for ‘The Hobbit’. My wife told me that I was only Tolkien in my sleep...

One thing I've learned as a professional writer is that double-negatives are a no-no...

The actual hidden message in the Mayan calendar states that December 21, 2012 will be the most annoying day ever on Facebook...

I think the main reason Santa is so dang jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live...

I remember my dad telling me recently: “Chin up! Only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest...

That dang autocorrect is really messing with my instant massaging...

I'm finding out that a procrastinator's work is never done...

When I was a kid in art class I didn't know anything about sculpting bronze busts: So I just forged a head...

Tis the season for shopaholics to follow their inamall instincts...

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney tells his client. "The bad news is that the blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that at the crime scene." "Oh, no!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is 180."

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when they grow up, they'll never be able to edge the car onto a Phoenix freeway...

I always use my words correctly, irregardless of how other people use them...

I've found that comparisons can be just as bad as cliches...

Do you know how a pessimist counts his blessings? 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

Remarks in brackets (however relevant) are (usually) (but not always) unnecessary...

I just don't get the whole "evolution" scene. If evolution actually happens due to adaptation, why do mothers only have two arms and hands?

I've had it wrong all along! It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
I need a do-over now...

People sometimes accuse me of being ambivalent - to which I always answer: Well, yes and no...

Swimming in circles one fine day, one goldfish argues to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"

If the companies Xerox and Wurlitzer merged would they make and market reproductive organs?

I was talking to my business guru today and he said there are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell everything you know...

Question of the day: Does it take ten millipedes to equal one centipede?

I was going to go to the Outdoor Wilderness Survival Show tonight, but I think it might be too chilly...

If everyone here is so disgruntled, where are all the gruntled people?

I have often pondered, where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

It was a perfect fall day. The sun was shining, cool breeze was blowing, the birds were singing and the lawn mower is broken…

Did you know that smoking kills humans but cures salmon? I didn't really think about that before...

So we say Mayans predicted the end of the world in 2012. Well, how come they didn't foresee the Spanish coming in 1520? I think sometimes I think too much...

I ordered in a Chinese food restaurant the other day. After trying to masticate a piece of chicken for several minutes I said to the waiter: "this chicken tastes rubbery". To which he replied "so grad you rike it!"...

I was just reading a list of 100 things to do before you die and I’m disappointed that "YELL FOR HELP" was not even on the list...

I was recently offered a lucrative job writing for a history book company. I didn't accept the position because there was no future in it...

Half of being smart is to know what you're dumb at...

Do you remember when you were just starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's "those" people over 40 you have to look out for? Well, I’m in my 50s and I've got news for you…

Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is unfortunately optional...

Caution: Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom...

I was digging through the news and stats and realized that government economists have fore-casted 9 out of the last 4 recessions...

Well, I'm off to Home Depot - need to buy a couple of large pails for some outside chores, a medium pail for some parts cleaning in the shop and maybe three small pails for taking fossil hunting with the kiddos. Yep, there you have it; that's my bucket list…

Just gotta wonder why is it called 'after dark' when it is technically 'after light'...

I found out why talk is so cheap. The supply exceeds demand by a very large margin...

I went into Nature’s Health Shoppe tonight and said “Evening Primrose” - to which the girl replied “Just call me Lucy”..

My daughter has a cat and I've come to the conclusion that cats instinctively know how we feel. They know - but they just don't care...

Dang it - I missed today's Hairdressing Championships, can anyone tell me if there were any highlights???

Tonight I got eczema, flatulence, diarrhea, gonorrhea and hemorrhoids. Boy did I ever clean up at Scrabble!

I refuse to engage someone in a battle of wits when they are unarmed...

When a woman says "we need to talk," why is it never about football??

"Happiness is a warm puppy," quoth the anaconda...

If you don't find health-related puns funny at all, you may be suffering from an irony deficiency…

Most people learn all they know about the colon through the process of elimination...

I just discovered that auto-correct can be my worst enema...

Chemicals, n: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made...

Problems that go away by themselves usually come back by themselves...

I have found that you can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.

I'm getting pretty tired of hearing all this stuff about the Great Apes. How come we never hear anything about the Paltry Apes???

We went to a seafood disco in Albuquerque for lunch today and I pulled a mussel...

Just imagine for one moment, if you will, a world without any hypothetical situations…

I remember when my parents shipped off one of my brothers to Mime Boarding School. We never heard from him again...

Ever wonder why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

From the "I can't believe it" department: A close friend just texted me saying: "What does IDK stand for?" I texted back, "I Don't Know". She replied, "OMG, no-one does!"

Just out from the Redundant Department of Redundancy: A recent survey found that 3 out of 4 people now make up 75% of the world's population.

Who out there thinks that "Retail Therapy" should be covered by health insurance?

I'm finding that the main problem with making mental notes is that the ink fades so dad-gum fast...

Anybody else here ever experienced "sarchasm"? That would be the vast gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who just doesn't get it...

I’m guessing that the one time in life that you don’t want to give an all-out 100% is when donating blood…

I just came to the sudden realization that my body is growing older without me…
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